I Really Don't Know

what to title this post.

At this moment my gut wants to post the short, just the facts version of how our visit to Temple went today. In an effort to be a little more authentic however - here's how the last 26+ hours have gone.

Saturday night I had trouble going to sleep. All I could think was "what do I pack?" I mean seriously, what do you wear to this appointment?!? I'd love to go comfy and pack sweats, but I'm afraid that would send the "I don't really care and I'm over-extended so I won't be much help for my son" message. I also don't want to go too put together because that could send an "I run a tight ship, have it all together at all times and accept nothing less - so I won't be much help for my son" message. Not a lot of sleep happened. ( I ended up packing jeanes, sneakers, and a button down collared shirt.)

We got all packed and ready to leave yesterday afternoon. Tripp was kind of wild all day, but we figured he'd zonk out in the car. I had gone in to "quiet mode." That's what I do when I'm facing a reality that is hard. (like the day my mom left to go home each time after I had a baby) It's a combination of fear, sadness, and a host of other emotions. I walked around to where my dad was sitting and gave him a wave good bye. He grabbed my hand and said "I'll be prayin' for you." I cried as I walked out the door.

We get all loaded and head out. Tripp seemed overjoyed to have Mommy & Daddy to himself. In fact, he was pretty much in Tripp heaven. Mommy, Daddy, Elmo, Blanket, and the Video Now Jr - does it get any better? The trip was uneventful itself. Our Monkey did NOT take a nap in the car. We picked up fast-food dinner and checked into our motel. We went cheap (like we had a choice!) since it was just one night. The Econolodge was, well, an Econolodge. It was clean.

Tripp thought it was the coolest place ever. He was pinging off the walls. There was more tippy-toe monkey dancin' than I've seen in quite some time. He even kept running into the closet and back out like he'd found a secret hiding place or something. My genius husband had packed his laptop and Tripp's favorite movies so that helped us calm him down enough to eat his dinner and then go to bed. He wasn't too happy that Mommy & Daddy were sleeping in the big bed and he was sleeping in his Winnie the Pooh bed, but he got over it and went to sleep by 9:00.

I turned the TV off at 10:00. I know I was still awake at 10:45. I slept for a while, but from about 3:00 on it was in 20 minutes spurts. There was no alarm clock in the room so we were relying on my watch and Easy's phone to wake us. I was terrified we'd over sleep. We didn't - everyone was up and ready to hit the road at 7:30 which gave us plenty of time to get there....so we thought.

We drove over to the address we had been given. Turns out the the ENTIRE Scott & White medical facility has one address. It also turns out that the valet at the hopsital gives incorrect directions to the pediatric clinic. As does the receptionist at the main clinic information desk. We got to our appointment after WAY too much walking in the cold about 15 minutes late. Fortunately no one complained about our tardiness - I may have blown a gasket if they had.

So, we check in, wait all of three minutes and meet Dr. Montogmery, the psychologist that is the first point of contact on the Autism Team. Our time with her was, well, anticlimatic. (not sure I spelled that right, but I assume you know what I mean) She did a lengthy background interview. There was no paperwork to fill out. The interview felt as much like a conversation as anything else. She choose to not do any testing since he has his appointment for testing through the school district on Wednesday.

So, here's the bottom line based on our interview...........he WILL clinically be on "the spectrum." As for exactly which box on the spectrum we don't know yet. Her inclination is that he will eventually be given the diagnosis of Asperger's. At the moment, however, he is a bit young to be given that label so as we continue throught this process we may be given "high-functioning autism" as our label. So, there you go. And there I sat, hearing the words I expected to hear, and still I found tears streaming down my face. I was surprised by them. It's not like I didn't know it was coming. I don't know if it was that last little part of me that had been hoping this was all a dream finally letting go, or maybe it was simply relief that I am not crazy and the things I've been concerned about are real. Regardless of where the tears came from, they were needed in that moment, and then they passed as we started making a plan.

Here's the really good news........Dr. Montgomery will be coming to College Station once a month starting in January!!! She is referring us to see Dr. Hall, the developmental pediatrician. She said we don't really NEED him at this point, but we will eventually so it's better to see him now and stay in touch as Tripp gets older so he will be "on board" from the beginning. I am supposed to email her after his assessments on Wednesday and let her know exactly what tests they did. If she feels the need to do any additional tests she will work us in on her January visit to CS. We have appointments already booked with her for February and March. She had VERY positive things to say about our school district. There are a lot of more technical things I could tell you about treatment approaches and recommendations and upcoming changes, but I'll save all that for another post.

At this moment I feel pretty good. I am releived that I'm not nuts. As I typed this I fought back tears more than once, and I'm sure that will continue throughout this process. That's just part of being mom. I'm tired, I'm hoping to go to bed early, maybe I'll even go to sleep. Keep those prayers going, we've got a long week and absolutely NONE of it is part of Tripp's normal routine. Pray for my patience, endurance, and please pray for peace in my precious son's mind as his world each day will simply not be what he is expecting.